The desire to be loved is a powerful thing. It can drive your heart to believe it is making the right choices even when your head is telling you you’re not.
I don’t know whether loneliness drives this desire or whether the desire to be loved -and the not having it- drives the loneliness.
Perhaps they are part of the same infinity sign that is the lot of the soul. I just know I have had these feelings since childhood and they have never been completely satisfied, at least not so far on this earth.
Oh I have had moments, but they have been fleeting. Even in my relationship with Christ it is not an ever abiding presence which I can count on feeling.
That insufficiency is on my part, I am sure, and not on His.
Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. I don’t know about that. But at least it is honest.
So this is where I confess, dear reader, that I went back and let myself get caught in the Fisherman’s net. Because he knew how to talk about love as if it were a sacrament, and abiding love between husband and wife is the only one that seemed so out of reach to me until he came along.
Yes, I ended up losing money to him. Not that I could afford it. But that’s just money. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows on the tide of life’s fortunes,
I gained something though. A new closeness to my son, as I explained what had happened and why to him. It was the first time I had talked about my depression to him, about the moments when I wish I could simply disappear from the world so the pain will stop. About how tempting that bottle of pills really looks.
A non-believer, he said something to me that made a lot of sense from his world-view. He said “Mom, I don’t remember anything before I was born, and I won’t remember anything after I die. This is it. This time is what I get.” So even when life is at its most difficult for him, this is the thought that sustains him. That this is the what is.
I pray that he is wrong in his conclusion, that there is an eternity through communion in Christ that does await us if we can keep faith with that thought.
But I recently read something that gave me a different perspective on what Christ’s eternal presence means. It means that the Christ who lives through us now and will live in those to whom we bring Him is an eternity of its own if we are willing to reach out and share Him.
In that regard, my son is very right. This is the time I have been given to share the Jesus within me with others.
Perhaps I will never be so lucky as to do that in the sacrament of marriage in the fullness of faith as I have come to know it.
I just know that was what I had to offer the Fisherman.
And though he gained some dollars from me, he has lost that time of communion with me and the Lord he had professed to believe in.
And he is poorer, not richer, for it.