Alone In the Darkness of Morning

Something is definitely roiled in me.  I am tired but not sleeping, aching to rest but finding none.

We are supposed to turn to God in faith at these times and let Him speak to us.  The easiest, surest way I have for doing that is following the daily readings in my Laudate app, provided by the USCCB (United States Council of Catholic Bishops).

Not always, but quite often -when I am especially troubled-I find those readings and the attendant reflections on them to be “on point” for what bothers me most at the time.

Today’s are on the sacrificial quality of love. It fits nicely with my thoughts of yesterday when I was recounting the movie about “Stella Dallas” on TCM and how, as a mother, she selflessly sacrificed future time with her daughter so that her daughter could have the life both she and Stella dreamed of her having: a life better than the one Stella had lived for herself or could give her daughter on her own.

It is a recognizable and universal theme to most parents, that wanting your children to have more than you did; for life to be easier on them than it has been on you; for them to not suffer in their relationship with themselves and others the things you suffered.

Yet you can’t guarantee this outcome for them. Not and let them become fully formed and independent adults.

At nearly 65, I cannot even guarantee this outcome for myself. You would think that aging would grant you at least this grace. Sadly, even when you are closer to the end of your days than their beginning, it doesn’t.

You can still become confused and lost in your longings and the loneliness that somehow manages to separate you just a little bit from even the ones you hold most dearly in your heart.

I know the difficulty of this fusion between us as humans is the whole point of the Bible, that we can never fully achieve it on our own or find it in another person.  It is certainly not something you can demand out of another. They cannot give you something they themselves do not fully possess.

And so enters faith, hope and love. A faith rooted in the hope that the love of God and the sacrifice of Jesus covers all your sins, those you made knowingly and those you made unheeded.

Sometimes those sins are against others.  Sometimes they are against yourself. Most often, there is no separating the two.

All I long for right now is peace. And a full night’s sleep.

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