I want my joy back.
I have felt very dispirited these past few weeks. Disappointed in people I care about, institutions that are supposed to serve us and the people who are supposed to represent us fairly and equally in them.
Somehow I felt pouring my heart and my soul into my Christian walk would make the world better. I wanted to bring that to my everyday interactions, in person, via social media, however they happened. I wanted my prayer life to be reverent and fervent. I wanted to see my prayers answered.
Of course, God – and life- doesn’t work like that. Not that I haven’t always known these things, I have. It’s just the effort has been so great, and I am so deeply tired at a soul level.
I am as disappointed in myself as anything or anyone else. I do not always follow the path I am trying to walk, in my interactions or my prayer life.
Maybe I feel this way because the New Year is drawing closer. I cannot believe 2017 will be over in two short months. And this time of year always seems too short, too filled with too many things to do and not enough time to do them in.
I will need my joy to get through them.
So what things make me joyful? Time to read, to reflect, to listen to good music; to be with family and others I care for; watch excellent movies; to write; to go for long walks at the Monastery nearby where it is peaceful and serene and there seems to be a timeless quality that hangs in the air, carried along by the fall breezes that cast waves on the nearby lake.
I want to feed the ducks and look for deer wandering the magnolia-lined path that used to be the Monastery’s entrance. I want to spend time in the hush of the Chapel, its great arches looming over me, the light coming pink and blue through the stained glass between them. Silent. Still. Infinite in that moment.
So why don’t I? A fully packed calendar between now and Christmas is one reason. I always take on more than I can chew at this time of year, both personally and in my Church life.
However, I am coming to jealously guard the period between December 26th and January 2nd. If I disappear from view then, no need to turn up on my doorstep wondering if I have fallen and can’t get up. (Not funny; it has happened; fortunately, someone showed up providentially on my doorstep.)
If you have read this little blog for today in its entirety, you can guess what I will be doing and where I might be if you look for me right before the New Year dawns.