I am not much for Facebook. I don’t take many exotic vacations, am not much for pass-a-longs because I can never get things to copy and paste, and it’s not my source of daily news.
I do, however, get a kick out of playing the games that tell you what movie star you most resemble, which heroine of a novel you are most like in personality, etc. You know, the fun little ego boost things. I just spent the last 30 minutes posting way too many of these silly things to my Facebook page.
That’s not really what’s been on my mind since this morning, though. I have been thinking all day about a post Rep. Joe Kennedy III (D-Mass) tweeted today. It was a video post from MTV’s VMA by a rapper/singer named Bobby Tarantino. Set against the deeply symphonic backdrop of an orchestra, his song about suicide was heartbreaking but ultimately hopeful. He and everyone featured wore T-shirts with the 800 Suicide Prevention Hotline number on it.
Yesterday I shared with readers a bit about my own suicide attempt at age 20. It was in part about a failed romance, but it was more about feeling hopeless and despairing, of feeling the person I was inside myself was invisible to a world that judged me solely on appearance. Who I was did not seem to matter. “What” I appeared to be to those around me mattered too much. Taken together, I no longer wanted to exist, because the “real” me was of no apparent consequence and the “alleged” me was someone I couldn’t bear for people to see me as.
I cannot tell you how numbing it is to be in that mind space; to feel you are such a non-entity to others you may as well not even exist. It’s soul sucking.
I was blessed to find the right caring and compassionate people to help me find my way beyond that time of my life. It didn’t happen in a day, a month, or a year. It has taken a lifetime. I am lucky not to have died that night, to have had that chance to heal. Not that my soul doesn’t have it’s scars; but now I no longer feel their pain-they no longer ooze bitter disappointment that poisons me.
I pray for any person who feels so worthless to themselves, so fearful they are worthless to others. I pray that they too find the help they need to realize they are beautiful in God’s eyes and come to be as beautiful in their own eyes as well.